idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
