so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
