You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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