i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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