walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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