my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
