I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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