dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
