i wish starbucks made bloody marys
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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