I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
