My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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