Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
