You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
