Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
