this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize