Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
