I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
