i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize