herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
