Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
