last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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