I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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