I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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