jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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