Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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