I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
