I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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