Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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