I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
