I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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