so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
