Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
