you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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