Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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