I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize