We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
