I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
