i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i dont even know how to be here
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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