The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
