just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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