Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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