My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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