Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
