Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
