What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
