Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
