this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
