i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
