Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
