I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
