1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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