You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
