Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We just shotgunned beers for America
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
