i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
