she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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