there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
