Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
