why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
