fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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