I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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