I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
