I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
