Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
